I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
