hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
