Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
