you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize