woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
