Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize