Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm passing your future prison.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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