he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
