I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize