You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
