someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
