it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
