The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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