Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
