Michael Bay diarrhea
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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