Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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