Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You ruined the universe
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
