the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
