Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
