Your face is a jimmy john
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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