that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
In other news, I just burned my penis
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
