Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
