my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
