i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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