is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize