it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
