the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
