We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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