dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
