I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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