You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
