you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
