I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
