You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize