GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
