I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
