I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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