I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So squirting runs in the family.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
