I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
