you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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