Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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