I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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