I hate your face
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
