is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
