Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
