when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
