I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
operation harelip BJ is a go
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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