i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
