I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
