He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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