I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
