we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
