Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
