goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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