Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
