Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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