i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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