nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
